This is a story like so many others that occur on a daily basis and concern love, separation and pain…
Even when we argued, I was still hopeful, I kept my promise and continued to love you, I remained yours, I didn’t change.
I was the one who told you one day: I promise I will never leave you, that I will always love you, that I can cope with anything and anyone to please you. I meant it and I didn’t leave you, even though it I was not being true to myself, even when you made me live both with and without you at the same time.
Sometimes hope hurts, and it makes us live a lie until we become disappointed. It’s natural for you to live well, to enjoy life, to live with someone else, but you must know how difficult it is for me. It’s hard for me to put myself in your shoes and to think the way you do, in order to understand why you reacted that way. It is also hard for me to justify mistakes you made at my expense, when you yourself don’t take me into consideration. It’s hard for me to be the one that is hurt for the umpteenth time in your life, and then let you mess up mine.
We know that you are a difficult young woman, unusual, unlike any other. You are peculiar, self-centred and you think that there is no one quite like you… I know that if you were facing me now you would tell me that you loved me for the way I am, in any case you have confessed this to me, you have flirted, you have written to me, you have painted me.
Yes, indeed. That’s how you are and that is why I fell in love with you. You sometimes say things that make feel that you are finishing everything. But you also say things that I love hearing and when you don’t say them, I still feel the same. You contradict yourself, you said. No, you contradict yourself. What is happening to me? Am I talking to myself? Yes, that’s what always happens when I miss you, when I miss your stubbornness and the problems you create, because that is when I hear your voice everywhere inside me, whether you are near or far. I hate you!
I can’t take revenge. I could do what you do, simply to go against you and hurt you. But I don’t want to.
Do you know something? I want to reach a decision that will justify you in my eyes, but I just can’t. It is not possible for me to label you as a good companion or as someone cheap, probably because I don’t want to think of you as cheap, even though that’s what you have become.
I am so used to defending you even when you make me angry. I justify you; I have sympathy for you but not for me. Just explain this. Take a look inside my heart and answer me. Tell my heart you never loved it; say it was just something to lean on to help you walk and that later you threw it away and went as far away as it was possible to go. To a place where I will continue to love you but which I can’t ever reach. The place I hate when I miss you. Where I embrace you. Then I leave you to go some place else, where I imagine you slapping me and then coming to kiss me. The thought of the slap and the kiss hurts me. I can’t identify that place in my mind, I only see you. The problem is that you aren’t anywhere specific. I hate you and could take revenge but I don’t want to….
I said that was the last time we got angry with each other and broke up. But it didn’t happen like that. Yes, it was the last time we got angry with each other but we got back together, we didn’t get angry again but we got back together once more. I learnt that when a girl says, “I hate you” it means something else, I have to understand that it means, “I love you”, so why did you make me hate you? I really do love you but my soul never expected to be burnt by you. We must think hard about words of love before we judge them. The way you didn’t believe that I hadn’t been unfaithful. Who did I speak to when you were away, where did I go, who did I see, who did I fantasise about…
The only way for me to live is to experience you in reality and in my imagination, in your presence and your absence, when you are satisfied by faithfulness, manliness, warmth, but also when you are pampered and spoilt…
It is not essential that you be the innocent party and I the one that doesn’t understand you. Perhaps you are the one who doesn’t realise that you are human? You might make mistakes but it was I who taught you that whenever you make a mistake, I am the one to say sorry.
The same is true when you love me even though you think I am unfaithful, do you accept it, does your conscience allow it?
I don’t want to carry on in this vein: first me, then you… I want you to feel alone so that I can feel too ashamed to repay your lack of kindness.
Love is a beginning; it would be a shame for it to lose its value, a shame for it to end up in oppression. A shame for me to feel oppressed and to oppress you…
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